Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I am on a roller coaster.
There are days when I feel so out of control that I long to get off.
There are days when I am so full of joy I raise my hands in the air and scream with delight.
I am a mom.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom.
I never knew it could be so wonderful and so hard all at the same time.
I have two boys.
They are full of energy.
They are loud.
They are messy and they have lots of laundry.
They are AMAZING!
I was sure that I would teach them everything they needed to know to survive on this planet. I am learning everyday that they are teaching me about my Father and how he loves me.
My younger son Cameron is 8. He has recently been diagnosed with a Tic Disorder. For a year I tried to find any other explanation for his persistent throat clearing and eye blinking. In my heart, I knew what it was. He is drop dead gorgeous, smart and witty, outrageously funny, full of energy and life, and has more friends than I could’ve dreamed. He also has vocal and facial tics that he can’t control, and more painfully, I can’t control them either.
It breaks my heart, so I pray and I plead with God to take away his tics, but he doesn’t. I have cried, a lot. I am ashamed to say it, but I have screamed and yelled at God, and shook my fist and stomped my feet and demanded that he help him. I am so ashamed that I have acted that way, but I know that God already knew it was in my heart and he loves me anyway. His Holy Spirit reminded me of a verse in Psalms 56:8 that says, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” The Creator of the Universe has my tears in a bottle! I have never felt more loved! He gently reminded me, “See I have you engraved on the palm of my hand and your walls are ever before me” (and he has Cameron engraved there too). He reminds me that he “knit Cameron in my womb” and that he even knows how many hairs are on his head, and let me tell you there are a lot. Just thinking about it caused me to look at Cameron’s hair to try and imagine how long it would take to count it and I’ve got to tell you, I just don’t care to know, but God does. God cares enough to know how many hairs are on Cameron’s head and mine, and he cares that I am hurting. He cares that I do not feel equipped to deal with this, and more importantly he cares about Cameron. My love for my son is just a fraction of the love God has for him. He created him and his word has reminded me in Matt. 7:11 “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him?” God is the ultimate Father. He knows all. He sees all. He is good. He loves my baby, HIS BABY! Whatever he has in store for him, it is good.
There are days that I struggle. There are days when I still ask why. I hate that about myself. I want my theology and my reality to line up with one another everyday, but they just don’t. On those days God’s words are still “hidden in my heart” and call to me to TRUST him.
I know that his words are true because I have tested them, so today I choose to trust my creator. Today I will enjoy the ride.
Please pray for Cameron whenever you think of us, and please pray for me and Kurt that we will be the parents that God designed us to be.